BitterSweetLife

Our neighbors are pretty cool, but there is a little dog who lives on our floor who is a total jerk.

I'm not sure what he is. Part Chihuahua, maybe? I thought about taking a picture of him, but in order to do that I would have to immobilize him first. Every so often, this dog can be found cruising around the hallway in constant motion. He's wiry, yappy, and gets irritated when people walk on his carpet.

One time I stepped outside to leave for work and there was a brown and white blur moving around my feet, making quick darts toward my ankles. I thought, I think that's a dog. Is he really going to bite me? Should I kick him against the concrete wall? Just then the owners appeared and started screaming for their dog to behave, which, as you know, always works. I left.

Another time I was walking inside with Aidan in his stroller. I turned the corner and saw the rat-dog patrolling the far end of our hallway. At the same moment, he saw us. He barked fiercely and came streaking toward us. I thought, I need to keep my baby safe. We're only 20 feet from our door and the dog has to sprint 100 feet before he can reach us. Run! This calculation took place in microseconds, you understand.

Anyone watching would have seen a man and stroller sprinting down a hallway, the baby with a happy, excited expression, turning on a dime and wheeling inside an apartment, slamming the door in the face of a yapping, angry cur about a foot high. Somewhere, someone was definitely laughing. Once Aidan and I got inside, he turned around in his stroller and looked at me with an amused expression. "You're right," I said. "That was stupid. Next time, we'll just kill the sucker."

A couple days ago Lindsay opened our door to go shopping. I was a room away, but I heard her scream and the door slamming shut, followed by disappointed barking outside and hysterical laughter from Lindsay. "That dog scared me to DEATH!" She was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes. "I opened the door and he was right there, staring at me. Then he went for my ankles and I slammed the door in his face."

"One of these days," I said, "I am going to kick that dog against the wall."

Aidan is trying to dissuade me because he wants to have a pit fight with the dog. They are roughly the same height. I'm not really going for that, though. Just because Aidan can roar like a lion and hit people with his popper does not mean he is ready for the big time. No, the dog is mine. And next time we meet, one of us is--

Hang on, I think I hear someone scratching at our door.