The Most Dangerous Game ~ BitterSweetLife

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The Most Dangerous Game

Do Not Try To Steal It. Do Not Ask Someone to Steal it For You. Just Pay Up.

I've been thinking recently about the way that Hollywood is a misinformation mill, a lie factory, constantly deceiving us about the nature of the world and the way things really are.

For example, quick question: What's the hardest thing to steal? What item/place poses the greatest danger & challenge to a would-be thief?

Already, the knee-jerk Hollywood answers are rolling out.

A bank? C'mon.
A casino vault? Please.
That high-tech lab in the original Mission Impossible? Nice try.
A very-high-security prison where the guards are armed with semi-automatics and hate living things? Impressive effort, but no.

Ladies and gentlemen, I suggest that these are merely cleverly designed fabrications. The reality, while much less dramatic, might very well change the way you view the world, your bank account, and your life. What's the hardest thing to steal? The answer is...

Espresso. A 2% milk, double-shot, very hot Cafe Mocha, if you want detail.

Just think about it. To steal your espresso, you would have to plan the raid during operating hours. None of this creeping in under cover of darkness stuff. And you would have to ensure that the employees were, in fact, present!--to run the espresso machine! This poses a huge problem for any would-be thief, possibly an insurmountable one. Are you really going to get good espresso while holding a gun to the barrista's head? And for how long would you have to brandish your weapon--in public, nonetheless?

The alternative is equally troubling. First, train yourself in the rare art of pulling great shots of espresso, familiarize yourself with the establishment of your choice, and immobilize all the employees present so that you can vault over the counter to brew and steal your mocha undisturbed. Aside from the obvious inconvenience and containment issues, there is the fact that coffee shops are typically staffed by very likable, often very attractive people. Usually they are elderly and friendly, or gregarious and middle-aged, or young and helpful--in no case are they the type of people that you can cap off and feel like you've done the world a favor. There is a heightened moral rub, if you will.

Would-be espresso thieves, good luck.

Is there something I'm missing? No, there is not. Great espresso is the world's most difficult substance to steal, which says a lot about its innate value. Don't argue with me. Stop asking yourself if you're paying too much for your coffee beverages. Instead, ask yourself if you can handle a venti mocha with four shots of The Truth.

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Alex said...

Good thing I hopped on here before heading out the door,
you saved me some embarrassment over at the student union faux-coffee place...

John said...

Sir, put down the Espresso and slowly step away from the coffee machine.

must_decrease said...

I also wouldn't suggest the old "sticking it down your pants" routine either. Not that I know from experience or anything...
(see the Sienfeld episode where Kramer tries to sneak one into the movie theater)

Lauren said...

If your brain produces this thought process, I stand both in awe and fear of it.

Will Robison said...

You forgot all the guard dogs conveniently hidden to resemble seeing eye animals.

Or like Leno said the other night about the guy who is going to jail for stealing a donut. "He was immediately arrested by 400 cops." ;)

Ariel said...

ou saved me some embarrassment over at the student union faux-coffee place...

Hey, I do what I can to keep my readers from making fools of themselves. But honestly, who hasn't considered palming some steaming-hot espresso? We all have. Just don't try it, is what I'm saying. But if you do try it, and it works--email me immediately.

If your brain produces this thought process, I stand both in awe and fear of it.

As well you should. My utter frivolity is not to be trifled with!


Culture. Photos. Life's nagging questions. - BitterSweetLife