BitterSweetLife

A Parenthetical Subject

Yesterday at church I was talking to a friend and the subject of interpersonal relationships came up. (Incidentally, this friend deserves props because he’s a statistical analyst with an eye for superior literature; one meets a mere handful of such people in a lifetime, if one’s lucky.) The gist of the conversation was how to live with each other in a united, understanding way—a tenet of Jesus’ teaching. (In a mere two verses on the subject, Paul the philosopher-theologian, uses the terms “humility,” “gentleness,” “patience,” “tolerance,” “love,” “unity,” and “peace.” (Sorry for the excessive parenthetical statements, I’ll try to restrain myself.)) The standard Christ passed down is one of caring, interactive community, face to face.

Our talk, however, hinged on a specific difficulty in trying to maintain such openness: What should one do in response to the proverbial “silent treatment?”

Say you had a friendship that was, to all appearances, relaxed and healthy. Then the moment came when, for no perceptible reason, the aforesaid “friend” started regarding you with a cold eye, as if they had caught you in the act of some revolting crime. (Say, on the same depth of petty awfulness as stealing a two-year-old’s sucker or furtively kicking someone’s dog—deeds for which you could despise someone and feel justified.) But to you, the awful misdemeanor penciled to your account is shrouded in mystery.

During my junior year of college, when I was Editor-in-Chief of the Campus Ledger at Johnson County Community College, there was a girl on my staff who hated my guts. It was obvious. It was so obvious that even I noticed, which is saying a lot for a guy who was going to school full-time, trying to run a newspaper, and completing a correspondence course, all while in love.

I came up with various theories explaining her extreme dislike, most of which, no doubt, were ridiculously wrong, a few of which probably contained some fragment of the truth. I let it lie as long as I could. How do you deal with an issue that is never actually vocalized? But finally (like Ben Folds in "Rocking the Suburbs"), I got tired of the hate-hate-hate vibes coming my way, so I finally brought the matter to a head. I’d hired this girl, for crying out loud. The irony of it. Finally there was a moment in the office when the two of us were alone.

“Hey, Jen.” (Name has been changed to protect the…innocent?)
“Uh, yeah?”
“I’ve been hoping to get a chance to talk to you… Uh, I’ve been wondering lately if there’s something I did to offend you.”
“OH NO.” (As if this idea strained the very limits of credulity.)
“Well, I think I must have done something or said something. It seems like you’ve had some kind of issue with me lately. And if I did something wrong, I’d like to apologize.”
“Oh no…I’ve just been tired and grumpy lately.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, ok. I’d really like to get this straightened out.” An awkward smile. We both turn back to our monitors and silence ruled the newsroom. But the silence was not therapeutic…

A few such experiences are enough for anyone. As my friend suggested yesterday, all one can really do in a situation like this is to maintain a love for that person. And this can be a struggle, especially if they reject overtures of friendship or look frostily on your attempts to act “normal.”

Personally, I can think of one such person* I’d place in this category right now. And I may as well give credit where credit is due—if you want to get under my skin, this is the way to do it. If someone verbalizes their issue with me, I can write her off as a vitriolic lunatic or deal with her as an authentically injured friend, one or the other. But just stare at me with silent detachment and I’m left to stew.

In the end, the final option for this type of person is to relinquish them to the dubious joys of their silent bitterness. Loving someone from a distance is hard, but you try to do that as well, and learn to cope with the persistent stress it places upon you (like a nagging splinter). In the end, I think a clear conscience will obliterate even this nagging “detraction by implication.”

It would be a mistake to assume, based on someone’s determined silence, that you’ve committed the unforgivable sin. Thankfully, we’re only expected to rectify visible shortcomings, the ones we’re made aware of.

But just the same, in answer to the question, “Is something wrong?” the most hair-raising response conceivable has got to be “OH NO…nothing!”


*In case some of you armchair-Sherlocks are wondering, No, it’s not Lindsay. As everyone knows, these things don’t happen in marriage. He heh.